


I Left Her

by lucian



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, M/M, Sexual Content, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-27
Updated: 2010-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-28 16:28:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10137329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucian/pseuds/lucian
Summary: Word count: 710Harry is not his mother.Warnings: references to sex.





	

  
Author's notes: Word count: 710  
Harry is not his mother.  


* * *

"I left her," he whispers into the dim candlelight. "The way she looked at me - like she was not-so-patiently waiting for me not to be - "

There's a pause, and Harry waits in the silence, uncertain if Snape remembers he's there. He doesn't want to break the spell.

"It didn't take much for her: gentle caresses, declarations of undying love - neither of which I meant, not after - and her eyes were filled with joy and I swallowed the rejection and willed myself to be everything I wasn't, couldn't be, didn't want to be. I touched her in all the ways that made her whisper my name - touched her because of the way she'd look at me as though I were ... " he let out a breath and closed his eyes. "All while imagining someone else above me, below me: crying out for pain, for my nails drawn brutally across skin, for my cruelty, for that edge of fear that your lily-white mother _could not grasp;_ that part of me she attributed to Death Eater influence, to Malfoy's influence -

"Refusing to _see_ me. Just like everyone else.

"I loved her, Salazar knows I did, but her white-bread view of the world could never include me, not ever, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I wanted her to.

"I hated her in those moments - fucking her while I dreamed of Malfoy screaming beneath me, while I dreamed of acceptance for my darkness - _you can be light or dark,_ they said, _but not both_ \- oh _no._ I wanted her to look at me the way she did before the first time I gripped her wrists hard enough to bruise, the first time I told her I wanted to hear her scream. One look of disgust and I never mentioned it again, never did, but the damage was done.

"I tried. God, I tried, but every time I touched her I saw that look of revulsion even as she smiled at me. I felt her rejection every day, and every day she smiled more and longer, sought me out and we'd eat together and every time she smiled, my adoration faded. My love for her remained - do not mistake me - but I knew I could not live a lie for the rest of my life."

He snorts then, a bitter sound. "If I'd known I would regardless, I might have stayed with her. But even then I knew I could not live like that by choice. I was better off that only half my life was a deception."

Snape did not move, his breathing slow and steady.

"She was perfect for your father," he says, and Harry is surprised that Snape remembers he's there. "They were perfectly normal. They were perfect: perfect lives, perfect dreams -

"I won't caress you," he says harshly, his head snapping toward Harry, fingers digging into the arms of the chair. "I won't worship you. I won't be nice to you, and I'd rather be alone for the rest of my days than live a lie again. Have you been listening at all, you perfect, pristine _prat?_ "

There is silence as Harry catches his breath, eyes wide in the candlelight.

"I've heard every word you've said," Harry says, barely more than a whisper. "I've listened to you and I've heard you and Godric knows I don't _want_ you to be nice. _Everyone's_ nice. _Everyone's_ simpering. _Everyone's_ perfect and pretty and all the fucking _same._

"I don't want mercy, Severus. I don't want adoration. I don't want to be coaxed or teased or seduced. I want to be controlled, devoured, _destroyed._ I want you to leave me broken on the floor. I don't want your mercy; I want your _ruthlessness._

"Hurt me, Severus. Make me scream. Let the pain silence my mind; let the blood make me feel. And if you don't believe my words - " Harry grabs Snape's hand and presses it to his painful erection, " - believe my cock. I want you for everything you are. I want you for everything you're not. I want _you,_ Severus Snape: violent and vicious and brutal and cruel.

_"I want **you.** "_


End file.
